Beliefs, Life, & Choice

I used to believe that the job I worked meant something about me. 

I also had this massive amount of energy in me that wanted to be the best. Mostly so that other people valued and liked me. 

So when I was young, I completely ignored how I felt inside and what I was passionate about, in order to gain value and importance.

I pursued higher education and prestigious careers.

And in each of them there were kernels of truth. Pieces of them that I resonated with and parts of them that fed my soul.

As I get older, gain life experience, and go through what feel like tremendous challenges in my life, I realize that the job doesn’t show people who I am. I do that. The job is here to support me in my life, where I am right now and I could literally choose anything I want to do. 

That concept in itself is daunting and I’ve come to this place several times in my life. 

I’m finishing high school, now what?

I’m finishing university, now what?

I have a job, now what?

This daunting space of being in the unknown. Each time as I felt this space approaching I would feel an increase in panic sensations and at times it would lead to a massive energy release (or as people call them - panic attacks). 

In this place of the unknown, where I have choice, I’ve always looked externally to guide where I go next, what happens next. Inevitably, I find something that appears to be a natural progression of life and I follow that, make a plan or commit to something (like grad school, travelling, a job) for a certain amount of time and I feel more settled, stable. The sensations in my body feel less alive. In turn I feel more relaxed, calmer. 

This time, when I am coming into this vast  spaciousness of what feels like nothingness, I’m turning inward to discover, what is it that is here for me. What do I feel called to create, do, explore, participate in? 

Now, this question isn’t for the mind, it is for the heart and the soul. 

I’m not sure where I’ll end up, or what’s next for me, or where this path will lead me. The one thing I’m sure about is that I’m ready to fully trust what’s here for me. I’ve tried it the other way so many times, and now, it feels right to try it out this way.