A Personal Reflection.
Whenever something big happened or was about to happen in my life I found myself experience a cluster of intense sensations in my body.
The cluster of sensations were:
tightness in my chest
heart pounding so hard
sweaty palms
hyperventilation
racing thoughts
feeling the need to escape
At the time, I would leave where ever I was and reach out to a friend, who would make me tea and shelter me as I ‘recovered’ from this experience. I did everything that I thought would keep me safe and feeling comfortable. I ran away from this cluster of sensations. I also assigned the label ‘bad’ to it.
I was studying psychology at the time, you see. This cluster of symptoms was labelled a ‘panic attack.’ This wasn’t my first time at the rodeo and I was well aware that people with anxiety mainly ‘suffer’ from panic attacks.
When the storm or attack blew over, I would return to business as usual, without making any changes to my life or processing the event. It was something that just happened and I moved on.
What I didn’t know at the time was that experiencing panic attacks from time to time is okay. It’s not something to fear - it is simply the way I have learned to process my emotions, especially around periods of transitions where uncertainty is extremely prominent.
Last year I hit an all time high of my experience of anxiety and stress. I couldn’t hold it in my body anymore. I was having panic attacks several times a month and eventually I sunk into a period of depression. I shut down completely. My interpretation of this is that I couldn’t handle the level of stress and anxiety anymore that my system shut down. It needed rest. Often I forget I’m human and need to take care of my very human needs - food, water, nutrition, exercise, rest & down time. I completely lost touch with reality.
I wasn’t able to cook for myself, or even dress myself. I slept for loads of time and went to my appointments because I knew that they are helpful for my physical health.
I’ve altered my lifestyle completely. And I LOVE IT.
In October 2020, I had my last panic attack. This time I felt all of it. All the sensations. Oh there’s usually lots of tingling too. I didn’t run away from it, I didn’t seek refuge in someone else. I was exhausted after. I got up and still went through my commitments that day, taking extra care of myself to give myself the space and time I needed to process it. Where I am in my life right now, I’m dealing with the most uncertainty I have ever in my life. Feeling through this panic attack and not avoiding it or hiding it or pretending it didn’t happen, I now trust that I can handle the uncertainty in my life AND take care of myself in an event where it may happen again. I used to be ashamed of feeling. In my opinion, shame is the ultimate killer.
Today, I see how the small daily things we engage in and put our attention towards are the most important things in the world. When I’m taking care of myself and minding my emotional, physical and spiritual health through the daily activities or non-activities I engage in, I have energy, I feel alive. When I don’t mind these things and blindly expect things to work out - I get in big trouble. When the big life transitions come in, I crash and burn - or I should say I used to.
I humbly learned that life is a marathon, not a sprint. I was born a sprinter. I’m putting in the effort to learn how to sustainably live.
Note: I’ve had a lot of help in this process. I relied on several systems and people that have helped me stay afloat during this time that I am grateful for including friends, family, coaches, teachers, mental health services, insurance services, medical and health care services.
**If you need help where you are in your life, ask for it. There is all the help you need and more available in this world. You need to be willing to help yourself.