Show up.

The funny thing about writing on here and releasing this stuff into the world, unpolished, is that others get to see it - see me as I come.

I love to write. I write for hours every day. I can write about anything and everything. I can’t guarantee that it will be “good” or “accepted” or “what people want to hear or read.” It will often be littered with grammatical errors and sub-optimal word choices, unedited. I think there is something beautiful in the unedited. Something imperfect that is so perfect.

Nature doesn’t alter its form when we walk through the forest. It doesn’t prepare for us. It doesn’t need to ‘be something’ for me. It is the most beautiful thing exactly the way it is. With all the new growth and mature growth and decaying fallen trees and branches. It is so easy to forget that humans are part of nature just as much as the plants and animals and oceans and clouds are.

Humans are special because we can think. We have a brain that is ‘more developed and complex’ than other species. We create cities and systems that allow us to survive for so long. We have the potential to live lives up to 90, 100, 105 years old. The oldest human who ever lived was a woman named Jeanne Calment. She lived for 122 years, 164 days. One hundred and twenty-two years! How insane is that??!? She lived from 1875 to 1997. Do you realize how much she had witnessed during her life?!? Wow. Right now, Kane Tanaka is the oldest living person (117 years old).

One thing I was obsessed with as I was growing up was to appear as other people expected me to. To please their ideas of who I should be and how I should act. For a long time, I did this. I felt exhausted and riddled with anxiety and nervousness. When I was what other people asked me to be I had to remember what they liked about me and what they didn’t like about me. I would have to remember their preferences for what I would be and act like. If I was experiencing sadness or feeling less than prepared or didn’t have the energy to be who they wanted me to be, then I would isolate myself because I didn’t feel like I would be accepted in this form. Over time, I was worn out. I realized that I was doing this to myself. That if I would just show up as myself, however, I would present at that moment, I would be saving so much energy - for myself, for my loved ones, to apply to things that were important to me. I wrote this realization in one sentence, however know that getting to this place of resolve was a journey in itself. It takes practice and commitment to learn things about yourself.

This journal, this writing - is another way I am opening and revealing parts of myself to me and the world around me. Most days when I sit down to write these things, I ask ‘What would people want to hear about today?’ which usually draws blanks. I change the question to ‘What do I have to share with people today?’ and all of a sudden the words pour out of me. A lot of the time, I don’t even know what will appear on the page until it does. This is so fun for me and I love it. I don’t edit my posts (more than correcting major spelling and typos).

Thank you for being here.