Comfort.

It’s funny how we get used to and comfortable with things, isn’t it?

After I had the car accidents I had a really hard time adjusting to my new reality. Things I was easily and automatically able to do before the accidents (get out of bed, put on pants, live through the day without a headache, wash the bathtub, cook food) all became nearly impossible. Forget socializing. Getting out of bed took what felt like was ages. Putting on pants was laced with pain and maneuvering to shimmy them up. I stopped tidying and cleaning. I stopped cooking. All of these things just took too much energy. And I needed to financially support myself. As an independent contractor, I didn’t have insurance. If I didn’t work I didn’t make money. Since I was at the beginning of my work career I didn’t have much of a savings pot to pull from. Waking up to a different world overnight was a challenge. Physically and emotionally.

Now, I find myself coming out the other side of this experience. Things are turning for the better - I can put on my pants without physical pain, I’ve been making strides on my physical journey and managing pain. I can do several things during the day without it fully depleting me. This time I was working in a salaried position when my health initially took a turn for the worst and I’m grateful for this as I have been financially supported through this bought of increased physical and emotional pain. As things are progressing, I find myself struggling to accept this again. Even though this is a “positive thing happening in my life” I’m feeling quite distraught. I thought when the pain was lessened I’d be fine. I’d bounce back. I got comfortable in my new identity and way of life. Living with stress and worry every day became my normal and now this is something I don’t need anymore. Even though the stress and worrying causes me problems, it’s become so predictable and comfortable. After all - Who am I without the pain? Who am I when things in my life feel easy? What excuses do I have now when I don’t want to do something?

Bouncing back is taking a whole new set of skills. Really, improving health and changes in everyday life is just another experience in my life. I don’t love that I had this experience. What I love is all that I’ve learned through it.

I’ve learned so much about myself and the world around me.

I became okay with paying people to do tasks for me that I find draining (even though I feel better I don’t feel like spending my energy on deep cleaning my home).

Before I had this pride associated with doing everything myself. I learned to ask for help - which requires me to be vulnerable and seen in my vulnerability.

I developed a ton of compassion for myself and others.

I deeply respect everyone’s journey in this world.

I don’t fear death & live in each moment.

I see so much more beauty in this world. Literally, everything is beautiful.

I’ve processed a lot of my past experiences, which has led to experiences I never imagined for myself.

I connected more deeply with myself and the world around me.

I let go of the ideas of who I should be and started being more of myself. Which is an ongoing practice.

I’m in the best physical shape of my life.

Now, I know soooo much about nutrition and health and mobility and emotions from experience, in addition to theoretical knowledge.

I’m more interested in feeling alive and experiencing each day than I am striving for goals that would make me look good or successful.

My most challenging learnings, that I’m still working with are: how to go with the flow in an active way, see things how they really are (not how I think they are), accept what is, allow things to change, and how to rest and trust.