My life is far from ‘together’ and yet I feel completely relaxed in it.

Sure, there are days and moments where I panic or feel like everything is falling apart.

Today, right now, even though I don’t know:

• what I am going to do for money/work next

• how I will feel physically or emotionally, in any other moment than the one I am currently in

• what my life will look like in one day, one year, five years, or 10 years

I feel grounded in myself and I trust that whatever happens, happens.

I used to plan out every moment, the future. I would spend hours planning (mostly in my mind, sometimes on paper). My planning went on overdrive when I sustained physical injuries because I worried more about the future and my capability and capacity to support myself financially. I overrode my physical body and what I needed because I thought it is what I needed to do to survive. And maybe it was at that time.

I got so stagnant and tight. Everything was stuck. I physically couldn’t move a lot. In addition to living daily life, it was as though I was physically working out all day, just by existing. I felt like I needed to control everything just to function, that all my problems needed solutions and I could not rest or relax until they did. I couldn’t deal with any uncertainty. It felt overwhelming.

I searched for solutions through the health care system, classes, online teachings and training, friends, or people who have gone through a similar experience. Anything that would solve all of my problems and would provide some security for me so I could finally relax. No matter how much changed outside of me or how many solutions I found there was always another layer of ‘problems’ that I would stress about.

I didn’t realize I was creating a lot of those problems from being stressed all the time. That my body wasn’t physically healing because it was never actually going into relax or rest & digest mode. It would occasionally, for short periods, but it wasn’t enough for my body to heal itself. And the body can heal itself. From my experience, this is one of the body’s built-in intelligences - it always wants to keep itself alive and as healthy as possible.

To be here today, to write this and share it with you all, I made the choice to take care of myself fully and give up everything that is in the way of that.

I let go of my full-time job.

I let go of my preference of living with others.

I let go of snowboarding.

I let go of ‘normal social outings with friends.’

I let go of drugs and alcohol.

I let go of medication.

I let go of the image/idea of myself that I wanted to be.

I let go of the idea of what I wanted my body to look like physically.

I let go of all of the beliefs underneath all of these things.

I allowed what needed to happen, happen.

I allowed myself to be and grieve everything I was ready to grieve.

I allowed myself to lay in bed as long as I wanted to (this is probably the hardest thing I have ever practiced).

I allowed myself to feel everything I needed to feel.

I allowed myself to feel sad.

I allowed myself to feel joy.

I allowed people to see me and support me.

I allowed myself to do as little or as much of what felt right at the time.

I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted.

And now, here I am with ‘nothing’ external to show for who I am or the life I built. I have none of the things that society told me I needed to have to be okay - a job, a romantic relationship or partnership, kids, lack of physical illness or disease, a consistent schedule, planned social activities, fun experiences that I could talk about with others.

Here I am with no certainty of what will happen in the future (which used to be the scariest thing ever for me) and I feel okay. Relaxed. At Rest. Open. Trusting.