Let it Crumble and Fall.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been trying to ‘hold it all together.’ I had this overarching feeling that if I showed up without trying to hold it all together, everything would be a mess and it wouldn’t work out.

I didn’t see a world in which I could relax. I didn’t see a world where everything was okay if I was relaxed. In my body, I felt like I was gripping. I was holding on. So tightly, trying to keep everything in place so it doesn’t topple over.

Last year, I hit a point where I couldn’t hold it all together anymore. My health and my life depended on me letting go and facing what was real for me at the time. I thought I’d sink. I thought my life was over. In a way, it was. Life, as I knew it, was over. In another way, I discovered that there was so much that I didn’t see or expect. And in a funny way, it’s all working out.

What I could do at the time, was to let it be the way it was. Recognize what was happening and letting it. No matter how painful it was. No matter how scared I felt. This didn’t come easily to me. For the whole past year, I continued to fight, I continued to struggle to keep what I can together. I still feel this urge to keep things together at times, although it has loosened. I have some room. I feel when it’s trying to kick back in and I remind myself that a life without ‘keeping it all together’ exists and it’s so beautiful.

When I let things be, a lot of things worked themselves out without me needing to control them. Controlling them is an illusion, yet I was striving to. Letting it be allowed me to learn that things will work out one way or another. It likely won’t look how I expected or imagined it to. I also learned that I can handle it.

In a way I was trying to hold things together to keep up an image or appearance of who I was. I don’t need to do that though because I already am someone and if I let that someone steer, there is nothing to hold together. There is spaciousness. There is freedom.