Where I am, right now.

Today was one of the slowest days I’ve had in a long time. I haven’t shared any of my history or experiences with you yet, so you don’t know much about me or how I live my day-to-day.

I’ve been on a journey - just like everyone else is on their journey.

Mine has been filled with ups and downs, sometimes at the extremes.

I used to live life from this place of doing - always thinking and keeping myself busy. Making plans for my life and forcing them to happen - going to school, choosing a prestigious career, pursuing the ‘right’ partner. My focus was constantly on what was happening in my world.

A couple of years ago (six now - Wow), I was in two car accidents one week apart. Objectively, the car accidents themselves were classified as "‘fender-benders.” The first one a woman ran into me at about 60km per hour while I was stopped. In the second accident, a person in a truck switched lanes into me and hit the front right side (passenger side). This second one was laced with feelings of anxiety on my end because 1. I was just in a car accident a couple of weeks earlier and 2. I saw that he was looking for an in to switch lanes. I had nowhere to go as the traffic was dense. I leaned on the horn to warn him I was there, yet he still pursued.

I was 26 years old at the time. I kept living life as though nothing had happened. The next day I went to work and halfway through the day I wasn’t able to move. I went to see the doctor. They gave me pills for inflammation and pain. There was no instruction for follow up. Just as with all previous injuries I had, I assumed this one would heal itself with time. It didn’t.

This brings me to today - my slowest day in a long time. Since those accidents, I have been mending pain and various health-related alignments. Did you know that taking 6 - 8 Advil per day for an extended amount of time leads to digestive issues? I didn’t. Taking Advil was the only way I knew how to take care of my migraines at the time.

For years, I barrelled through life - continuing to work, go to school, search for and attend new physical therapies that would all help to relieve pain to a certain degree. Some were not helpful. As the physical pain mended to a manageable intensity, in came a slew of emotions, like a wave. It’s as though, all of a sudden there was space for them.

In Dec. 2019, my previous back injury flared up and I wasn’t able to get out of bed. My doctors were concerned for me. I had no motivation. I wasn’t able to physically or emotionally pull myself back up, the way I was able to in the past. It’s as if I used up all of the gas in my tank and the reserve and the emergency back up. There was nothing left. I hit a wall, fell down and stayed down for a long time. This was when I knew I couldn’t keep living my life the way I was - it would kill me at some point.

I went through several identity crises, several times throughout these experiences. Letting go of who I was and what I could do when I went from who I was to living with pain and again, as I mended, rebuilding myself as who I was becoming.

So now, my approach to life is quality based. Well, it always sort of was. Yet, I would push myself to the limits to accomplish things. I would override all of my needs and systems in order to get what I wanted. The forcing.

I am learning how to not do that. I’m learning to meet myself where I am at in every moment. None of the external stuff - career, relationships, school - matters if I’m not around. And I fucking love life, so you betcha I’m going to start living in a way that will allow me to engage with the most life possible in my lifetime.

Today that looked like waking up around 8 am, me thinking about all the things I’d love to do, then realizing that what I actually needed was to rest and nourish myself with food and water for hours - like 3 to 4 hours. This time mostly consisted of staring out the window. Really, doing almost nothing. Oh, there was some meditation involved. I went out for a few hours - grabbed a coffee, read my book, walked around the neighbourhood, bought some odds and ends for my new place at a dollar store, puttered around my apartment and now I’m writing. I love writing. The part of me I’m working with right now is the part that wants to achieve all the things. You see I used to hold this belief, and to an extent I still do, that I’m not worthy if I’m not doing or achieving something. So you see, even though today has been a relatively slow day for me, this piece and thoughts associated with it have been nagging at me all day. There is also relentless tightness and heat in my upper back and knees that shifts throughout the day, yet there is always some amount of dull achy-pain nagging at me.

I’m sharing all of this because this is me accepting where I am at and what is real for me right now. I find the more I meet myself where I am the more fulfilled I feel in my life, regardless of what is getting done or being accomplished. When I meet myself where I am, I am able to work with myself, be aware of what I need and how I can meet those needs. Some days are exclusively focused on taking care of myself from all aspects. Meeting myself where I am is a practice and sometimes it’s easier and other times it is quite difficult. I’m hoping someday it will become automatic.

I’ve learned an immense amount through my journey and have a ton of skills working with people and knowledge (lived and read) about the human experience. If you are looking to make a change in your life, discover more parts of yourself, are going through a transition (or several), are dealing with chronic pain, are looking for a fresh perspective or mindset on life and feel pulled to work with me, contact me here. I offer coaching services. In the future, I may also offer some programs. If you’re not sure, give me a shout anyway and let’s talk.