Rest.

When I was pondering on what to write today, I wanted to write something I had an opinion on. I am conscious people read this blog now, and with that awareness I want to hide what is real for me right now. It’s a self-preservation tactic I love to use. Because if people don’t see the real me, then I am safe from judgement and pain. If I am who they want me to be then they will like me.

So, in the interest of authenticity and honesty, today I slept pretty much the entire day. It looked like sleep, drink lots of water, eat, use the bathroom and rest. I did this three times today. At some point I went for a little walk and I did some movement.

I have a lot of judgement about not doing much. Or spending my days like this, doing what I want in the moment. I feel like it’s not allowed, like I’m doing life wrong. But honestly, it is what my body and mind and soul needed today. I’m still dealing with ongoing physical issues that I like to pretend don’t exist, but they very much do, and my body is still healing.

I was scared to give myself the rest. I thought of a million things I could do, but my body said - no, rest. I feared that if I rested and slept that I would sleep forever, that it would never end, that I would never do stuff again or be productive. But then once I was rested, I naturally wanted to do things. I wanted to move and cook, and tidy my space and create stuff.

After today’s day of rest, I feel the most hydrated I’ve felt in a long time. I think I drank 4-5 litres of water. I feel like I could sleep again for hours. I feel calm and at peace, knowing that I’m doing what I need to for myself, even if it looks so different then what I want it to, even though my mind would rather have us ‘experience life more.’