Fear

One year ago, I was afraid to leave my house at night. I actually realized that I would only leave the house if I had somewhere to go, or something to do. Grocery shop, see a friend, go to work, go for treatment, or go to a coffee shop. I would bribe myself to go outside - tell myself I’d get a coffee or go to a store I liked, or buy something for myself.

If someone would ask me - what are you afraid of? I would say nothing, because I did not consciously feel afraid. But then if they asked me to tell them what I do in a day - what my behaviour was - they would hear that I don’t leave the house unless I have something to do or somewhere to go.

This means, even if I enjoyed taking walks or going out for fun, I wouldn’t. It wouldn’t distress me because I’d find something else to do. It did have an impact on my life though. I wouldn’t go outside for pleasure. I wouldn’t go outside without a plan. I was scared of the unknown, of something bad happening. I wasn’t conscious of this fear. I adapted to live my life within that constraint. And it worked until it didn’t anymore.

Today, about a year later, I left my house at dusk because I wanted to go outside. I wanted to be outside. And I feel so free to now be able to walk outside because I want to, for fun. Without hesitation, without making excuses, without questioning myself, I put on my shoes and walked outside. And I felt spaciousness in my chest and warmth flood my body. Then the realization came ‘I am not scared of this anymore. This feels fun.’

What a relief.

Once I was outside today, I walked along the beach, listened to the waves, sat on a rock, breathed in the fresh, salty, ocean air, and watched bats fly overhead.