Everything is fine and I feel sick about it.

Today, I woke up and everything feels okay. There’s nothing for me to strive to get done or to accomplish. My body feels okay, my pain levels are lower than they’ve been in a long time. There’s no one asking me to do anything or be anyone. I’m simply existing.

There’s something interesting happening. I feel nauseous. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel uneasy. A part of me feels frightened in this new found silence and ease. A part of me feels like it won’t last, that something will happen to disturb it. In this state, I used to make things happen to disturb my peace, before something from the outside world could.

There are a lot of resources and information accessible to learn about things like dissociation, trauma, experiences and how they mold our reality. A lot of these talk about how many of us live in hightened states of arousal the majority of the time. The really tricky thing that I found with this is that, when I was living from a place of heightened arousal, I didn’t notice to what extent. I didn’t see it was 24/7. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t sleeping, eating, moving. Okay, so I was doing those things but they weren’t effective becuase I wasn’t feeling rested, fuelled and mobile. When I tried to do things to fix it I crashed harder. What I actually needed was rest and a lot of it.

What happened for me to unwind to where I am now was persistent intention on focusing on myself and communicating my experience - to myself and others around me. I needed to actually see how messed up things were for me to make a change. I needed to acknowledge that I was the only one who can change things for me. No one else in this world lives in my body. No one else is with me 24/7.

Yes, the ride has many twists and turns and set backs and forward motion. There really is no ‘easy way out’ or ‘quick fix.’ Often, it’s the uncomfortable things for us that we need to move towards. To arrive at this point - the one I talk about - the rested, feeling like everything is okay, wanting to run away from it because it feels uncomfortable. This place that is so nourishing. I feel like I’m drinking in all of the water that I haven’t drank in years. This place lay in the unknown for me. I haven’t really consciously felt this peace at this level. This place where I ironically feel unsafe, is the place for me to be right now. This is where I’m learning a new and different way of existing in this world.

All there is for me is to be with it.