Re-Connecting.

The most I’ve felt in my body was when I was in pain. My attention and focus was drawn inward, to everything I felt.

Every single tingle.

Every single ache.

Every single point of tension.

It felt excruciating. Like an incessant ringing in your ears or someone standing beside you poking you all day long.

I could not ignore my body when this was happening. At first I hated my body for it. I hated that I was feeling so much, that it was nearly impossible to concentrate, that I needed to take care of it. I loathed it. I asked it “Why can’t you just work the way your supposed to?”

Then I started to care for it. I can’t be on pain meds forever - well, I can but I don’t want to be. I switched from meds to all the physical therapies, to exercise to movement and nutrition. Still, things kept going wrong. One after the other. My body was breaking down and I kept pushing it forward, forcing it. I didn’t stop to rest, to give it time and space to heal.

I started to see myself as my body, not as it being something separate from myself. I am my body. I am only as healthy and functional as my body is. I started to rest and breath. My nervous system was amped up all the time. I calmed it down. I gave it time and space to heal (at first reluctantly and then willingly).

I hated the pain, I hated living my life in my body. I now am learning to live in my body each and everyday and the pain has subsided substantially. I hear it when it asks me to rest or take it easy or not push too hard today or just enjoy the moment.

I feel all the tingles go through it when I bite into a cookie and taste it’s buttery sweetness. I giggle and smile with enjoyment. I love being in my body now.

Living through my body, rather then my mind, gives me a sense of peace now. Yes, there still is pain on the daily, yet it’s not at the forefront on most days.

I feel more harmony in my existence. In my reconnection with my body on an intimate level. In my level of being.

Through this journey, I not only reconnected with my body, but also my mind, heart, and soul. I honour all of the facets of my being, not only the ones that are perceived as valuable. They’re all valuable.