Truth Time.

It has been a real challenge to navigate the changes in my life.

When I was in a lot of pain, I often thought how everything would be easier and better once the pain went away, once I healed. And now, I find myself with more energy, more time, and less pain. And to be honest, this comes with it’s own set of challenges. 

I thought it would be easy to accept ‘feeling better’ and ‘being able to do more’, but it hasn’t been. I feel like a beginner all over again. 

I’m treading the lines of not participating enough in life and engaging too much. When I don’t participate enough, I feel sluggish and heavy, sad, and isolated. When I participate too much, I feel sore, tired, and put out for a day or two afterwards. 

It’s a practice, each day, gauging where I’m at moment-to-moment and taking care of my needs as best as I can. 

It’s a process. 

Sometimes I want out of the process. I want to leave it all behind and move on or escape it. I’ve let go of my escape mechanisms - alcohol, drugs, tv, social media scrolling, eating. Without escaping, I can see my reality more clearly and it has felt painful.

This year, I’ve been working on living in my reality and being present with what is. It sounds simple and easy, but it’s really hard to take a look at what is really happening in my life now and be with the evolution on a moment to moment basis, especially at times there’s lots of transition happening. 

In the last two months, I have been moving more, eating more, working on my projects more, and crying a lot. I physically feel ‘better’ and I’m able to do more, but I still feel perplexed by my experience. It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not sure it ever will. People ask me what I’ve learned from the experience and honestly, there’s so much I’ve learned and seen and discovered. They ask me to find meaning in it all, and coming out the other side, honestly, I don’t know the meaning of it. I don’t know the significance of it. And I really don’t think I need to know mentally. 

I’m not interested in making meaning of it. It’s been a hell of a ride and it just keeps going. 

What’s unfolding now is to accept everything that is here for me and at the same time let go of everything that is not.