Compassion

Prelude. I wrote this piece on May 4, 2019. This week has been a heavy one for me with everything going on in the world and I’ve been moving extra slowly and giving myself lots of space, time, and attention to process it all. I read this piece and felt how applicable it was to me today, so I decided to post it. I wasn’t ready to share my writing in 2019, but now I am, so I am sharing it now.
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I first heard the word compassion three years ago. One of my classmates was reflecting what I presented as to her as and she used the word compassion. I thought “what does that mean?”

Fast forward a year and a half and I was at a retreat. We did an exercise along the lines of “if you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be and what would you do with it?” We were to tell our partner out loud and they would then reflect back what they heard.

My superpower was to fly around the world sprinkling star dust on everyone that would make them recognize that suffering is an inevitable part of the human life and that kindness towards self and others would give them the power to overcome and move through their suffering.

My partner then reflected that I “want to sprinkle compassion to everyone.” Again, I thought to myself “This word is coming up again - I need to look it up.” I was 30 years old and the word and concept of compassion was not in my personal dictionary.

And so I did - Merriam Webster definition of compassion is: Compassion: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

This year, compassion has come up time and time again. Only this time, it has been showing up as self-compassion. Compassion, only directed at myself; noticing the distress within me and having a desire to alleviate it. Showing compassion for myself.

I didn’t feel worthy of it. It is definitely easier for me to give compassion and be compassionate of other people’s experiences, than to direct and grant that to myself. No, no, I wasn’t deserving of it. Except that I was and I am.

This year, I’ve had to show myself more compassion than I ever knew was possible. As the world was undergoing it’s own crisis (Corona-19). I was experiencing my own crises that needed attention. I didn’t have anything to give to the world because I needed to give it to myself. I felt powerless to help others, and at the same time empowered to help myself.

Through this years journey of tribulations and recognizing the need for taking care of myself, showing myself compassion and grace and patience, I learned that I can only fly around the world and sprinkle compassion on everyone to give them the power to change their own lives, if I exist. And to exist I need to take care of myself.