Paralyzed.

Sometimes when I come to my website to write I feel paralyzed. This is the fear. The realization that people are reading what I’m writing. The realization that I’m ‘exposing’ myself. That whoever wants to see this can.

And then I take as many deep breaths as I need to, I focus my attention inwards and ask “what are we writing about today?” And then I just write whatever comes up.

Freezing is one of my go to responses when my mind or body thinks or senses I’m in danger. The thing is that a lot of the time I’m not in real danger. I’m not going to die if I write this post. My body and mind beg to differ. So here I sit, calming my nervous system, reassuring my body and mind that it’s okay to relax. It’s okay to be here and write about whatever I want to.

My mind goes “but what about the potential of this or that happening, what about here and look at this other really dangerous consequence to writing and exposing yourself.” My spine lights up and gets all tingly, my jaw clenches. I’m literally getting ready to run. All the chemical things that happen in my body are happening - adrenaline, cortisol or whatever they are, pump through my system. Once it subsides I’ll experience fatigue after - exhaustion.

My human thinks I’m in danger almost all the time. I’ve learned to work with it to an extent and learned to relax at times, yet my default state is still fear. It’s changing as I pay attention to it and sooth it myself.

So, here I sit, writing, through my perceived paralysis.

I have loads of stories and experiences to share. Please, let me know what you’d like to hear more about by contacting me.